121 - Showered with... Love?

Mommy and Me

August 3, 2012

Tomorrow is the big day, Poppies.  It’s baby shower time!  Doesn’t that sound like fun?

I didn’t think so either, but your Aunt Riley and Aunt Suzy insist. 

Not that Mommy doesn’t enjoy a good baby shower.  I had a wonderful time at Aunt Desiree’s two weeks ago, in fact, but I’m not all that excited about being the center of attention – and I don’t trust Aunt Riley.  I’ve very specifically asked not to have silly, embarrassing games and I just know she’s going to completely disregard my wishes.  I’ll end up wearing a toilet seat on my head or something equally ridiculous.

Mommy is a good sport though.  She will soldier on with a smile – and then kill Aunt Riley in private. 

The thing I am looking forward to  is dinner afterward.  Daddy and I are getting together with some of the other ladies from the shower and their husbands for dinner.  Aunt Suzy and Uncle Karl, Aunt Riley and Uncle Mitch, Aunt Melissa and Uncle Cole, Aunt Desiree and Uncle Matt, Aunt Lexi and Uncle David.  Aunt Lexi and Uncle David are hosting because, other than Aunt Des, they live closest to us. 

Besides, Aunt Des is in no condition to be hosting a dinner party since her baby is due in just a few days.  Oh, and did I tell you?  They’ve decided to name him Max – Maxwell Francis.  Francis is Grandpa John’s middle name.

I’m glad your daddy and I have finally come to terms on your names. 

Noelle (because I like it and it’s Christmassy) Catherine (Aunt Riley’s middle name)

Nicole (Mommy’s middle name and the feminine of Nicholas, which is also Christmassy) Suzanne (for Aunt Suzy)

Jesse shares Uncle Matt’s middle name (also the name of your great-grandfather Louis) and Romeo has Daddy’s name, so Daddy had wanted to name one of you after Uncle Tony.  He doesn’t have a namesake yet.  Mommy would love to do that, but the girl-versions of his name are just awful:  Antonia and Michaela.  I adore your Uncle Tony, but I love you even more.  I can’t saddle either of you with one of those names for the rest of your life.  Fortunately, Daddy agrees with me.

So the final answer is that you shall be Noelle and Nicole – the Bongiovi twins due to arrive in 6 very short weeks!  I can’t wait!  It will sure be nice to hold you in my arms instead of my belly. 

❧❧❧

In deference to the heat, dinner was a simple affair.  David grilled – steaks, lobster tail and chicken – while Lexi prepared side dishes of salad, baked potatoes, and asparagus.  Dessert was refreshing berry and whipped cream parfaits.

“Hey, you have to admit it was nice!” Riley declared, putting her white wine back on the huge rectangular dining room table, where the six couples were chatting comfortably after their meal.  “Elegant and refined, just like you asked.  I deserve a pat on the back for that, don’t you think?”

“Seriously?  Because you didn’t embarrass me in front of Jon’s mother, aunts and cousins, you think that warrants praise?”  Sheridan snorted, shifting to one hip and rubbing the side of her belly.  “Geez Riley, I would hope that would automatically be your game plan.”

“Okay, I’m just sayin’,” Desiree piped in.  “Embarrassment is a badge of pride at a Jersey baby shower.  Do you not remember just two weeks ago that my sister put melted candy bars in diapers and wanted us to sniff them to guess what kind they were?  Yeah, our family wouldn’t bat an eye at anything Riley came up with.  Your family would be the ones embarrassed.”

“What?  There was no candy baby shit at this thing?” Matt demanded in a tone of affront.  “Jesus, Jon, I didn’t realize you married high society.  I don’t think this is gonna work out.”

Her husband gave his brother a sneaky grin as he twirled the remains of his wine in the glass.  Winking at Sheridan, he drawled lazily, “There’s nothing wrong with being married to a good girl, Matty.  Not one damn thing.”

Game face, Sheridan.  Do not blush… do not get embarrassed… do not let them see you sweat.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” she acknowledged calmly, meeting Jon’s gaze head-on without any outward display of her discomfort. 

His dazzling white smile lit up the tan lines of his face as he draped an arm over the back of her chair.  In a move any ventriloquist could admire, his lips scarcely moved when whispering, “Well done.”

“Well, then, I don’t feel the teeny-tiniest bit bad about hosting this event,” David crowed, kicking back in his chair and bringing his right ankle to prop upon his left knee.   “You are, after all, living in Jersey now.  And since you won’t name the babies Ginger and Mary Ann…  Game on.”

“David, what are you going on about?”  To say the man was sometimes cryptic would be an understatement.  He had a random, obscure thought process.  Things that made perfect sense in his mind left those around him scratching their heads in confusion.

“You got your tasteful baby shower,” Riley spoke up, quickly followed by Melissa.

“Now you get your NOT-so-tasteful...”

Suzanne finished with “AFTER-baby shower.”

Sheridan’s eyes narrowed with confusion and she spoke quietly from the corner of her mouth to Jon.  “Do you have any idea what they’re talking about?”

“Not a fuckin’ clue,” he returned in the same manner.

David’s face was a study in pure devilry when requesting, “Lex, go get the gifts would ya?”

“Gifts?”  Accusatory eyes shot to her sister.  “Riley, what’s going on?”

Her sister cackled as evilly as any witch in the famous Disney cartoons while Mitch’s mouth twitched with amusement.  In fact, looking around the table, she could see that everyone’s eyes were dancing with mischief.

“They’re all in on this,” she sighed resignedly, slumping back into the chair and casting a glance to her husband.  “That can’t be good.”

Chuckling quietly, he put his hand on her neck, kneading the muscles that were fraught with anticipatory tension.  “You got the baby shower you wanted.  Whatever it is, you can afford to be a good sport with a few semi-drunk friends and family.”

“Yes, dear,” she muttered compliantly, arching into his touch.  “You keep that up and I’ll do anything you want.”

Overhearing her words, David barked, “Hey!  No kinky shit at my dining room table.  I’ve still gotta eat here after you perverts go home!”

Lexi laughed as she leaned between Jon and Sheridan to drop several gaily adorned gift bags on the table .  “Yes, but the biggest pervert of all IS at home.”

“Oh, baby,” he cooed, clamping a long-fingered hand over her derriere when she returned to her own seat and gave it a firm squeezing.  “You say the sweetest things...”

“Oh for God’s sake,” Sheridan finally huffed, certain that he could go on forever without her finding out what this crew was up to.  She waved a hand at the bags.  “Is anybody going to tell me what this is all about?”

“I will,” Suzanne piped up, leaning eagerly forward to rest her arms along the edge of the table.  “The baby shower today was about gifting the babies.  Tonight, we’re gifting the parents.”

“Things for after the babies are born.”  Desiree’s smile was neutral enough, but the way her husband coughed into his hand spoke volumes.

It was with curiosity that Sheridan eyed the assorted sized gift bags, overflowing with a rainbow of tissue paper.  It was with distrust that she eyed their friends and family. 

“Stop gawking and open something, Super-sized Siren,” David chortled, pulling his ankle up onto his opposite knee to the chorus of disbelieving groans spewing out of the party’s male contingency.

“Dude, you did NOT comment on her size!”  Matt was shaking his head with sympathy at the sheer stupidity of the other man.  “It’s obviously been way too damn long since you had a pregnant woman.  I’d stay wayyy the fuck on that side of the table if I was you.”

“That’s okay, Matt,” Sheridan assured him calmly, arching a calm brow toward David as her husband swilled half of his wine with a chuckle.  “David doesn’t say anything to me he doesn’t want to eventually pay for.”

Jon loved the relationship she had with his friends.  She didn’t get bent out of shape at their shit, she just took it all in stride and gave back as good as she got – while still managing to appear gracious.  His sex kitten knew how to wear her pedigree to the fullest. 

He reached over and squeezed her knee.  “Open somethin’ or you’ll never get him to shut his trap.”

With only a delicate wrinkle of her nose, she reached for a bright green bag with yellow tissue paper.  “They said ‘parents’, plural, you know.  This isn’t all on me.”

“Oh, he’s got his,” was David’s smug assurance.  “In due time, Supa Siren...”

Jon rolled his eyes and leaned forward for the wine bottle on the table.  With Lemma’s fucked up sense of humor, it never hurt to have an extra drink.

“From Cole and Melissa,” Sheridan read off the little tag before pushing aside the lemony tissue and withdrawing a silver picture frame.  Glancing over, he saw a sentiment about twins being twice as nice.  “What a beautiful frame!” 

Cole snorted and shifted in his chair.  “It’s what’s inside the frame that’s the real gift and you’d better appreciate it kiddo.  I don’t do this shit for just anybody.”

It turned out that his brother-in-law and wife had put a ‘coupon’ for babysitting services inside the frame to give the parents a free night.  He and Sheridan both thanked them and she passed the bag to put in the empty spot on the table in front of him.  With a grin, she commented, “I’m liking this so far.”

Riley’s snort was loud and obnoxious and made Jon grin.  He really did like his sister-in-law.  “Don’t get too complacent, dear sister of mine.  Open Suzy’s gift next... the big silver one.”

His wife obligingly reached for the biggest of the packages, extracted the glittery black tissue paper and groaned out loud as she peered at the contents.  “Suzanne!”

Her BFF was unconcerned about Sheridan’s horror at the yet-unseen contents.  “Don’t blame me, blame Mother Nature.  You’ll be singing my praises when you have reach for the hemorrhoid cream and those are the best nursing bras ever!  And if you have a vaginal delivery...”

“NEXT!”  David bellowed loudly with a sweeping arm motion and Jon could almost kiss the Jewish prick.  Nature was nature, but did they really have to discuss the nitty gritty details at a dining room table? 

“Jonny boy, the smallest one there is for you.”  The keyboardist’s grin had enough teeth visible to put a great white shark to shame.  “From me.”

“Christ a’mighty,” he muttered, putting his wineglass on the table as Sheridan passed him the black bag that looked leftover from David’s 50^th birthday, proclaiming ‘It’s The Big One’.  God only knew what the sick and twisted mind of David Bryan had deemed appropriate for this event. 

Jon didn’t bother pulling the packing out of the bag, he merely pushed it aside and reached inside to find one of those hard plastic packages that you needed to be Wolverine to open.  Cautiously, he took a peek and immediately opted to leave it inside the bag – out of sight. 

“Oh no, no, no, no!  Whip it out there old man, because you know you’re going to at some point in the six-week ‘dead zone’.”

Before he could grab her wrist, Sheridan had snatched it away from him, peering inside.  Once she got a good look, peals of laughter bubbled from her lips.  “Oh... my... WORD!  THAT is hilarious!”

“Yeah, fucking ha ha ha,” Jon said dryly, going back to his wine.  Sometimes he hated Dave. 

“Well tell us what it is, already, dammit!”  Matt’s long goon arm reached across the table and snagged the gift from Sheridan so that he could share in the joke – and share in he did with a big belly laugh.  “It’s a pocket pussy!  Jon’s gonna get him a little latex post-partum action!”

“You’re so excited about it, you keep it,” Jon invited wryly, flipping his brother the bird.  “You’ll need it before I will.”

And on it went, back and forth between the brothers, quickly drawing in the other men at the table and becoming progressively raunchier.  The liquor flowed freely and so did the insults, innuendo and post-pregnancy war stories – from both the men and the women – as other gifts were opened.

There was sexy red lingerie from Lexi and Jon would have a few fantasies about how the scraps of string and lace would look like on his post-pregnancy wife.  Even if she didn’t bounce back to her near-perfect form, she would still be a knockout.

Lingerie was followed by an assortment of edible body paints and frostings from Desiree and Matt, which everyone had to taste-test and offer opinions on.  That suited Jon fine, because most of that stuff tasted like shit, anyway.  Now he wouldn’t feel bad about tossing it all out, unused.

Sheridan’s eyes went wide with the mug Richie had sent for the off-color occasion.  It was shaped like a breast, with a hole in the nipple so that there would be “a titty left for Jon” when the babies came.  Much to the delight of the assembled friends and family, he immediately called Sambora with a hearty “fuck you”, filled the mug with wine and popped the nipple in his mouth. 

When he plunked the mug back down in the table, it was to find his wife’s watery eyes upon him. 

“What’s the matter?”

Blinking rapidly, she shook her head and laughed.  “Nothing.  Silly hormones, I guess.  I just realized it’s been almost eight months since I had a drink.  I miss it.”

“Oh cry me a river,” Riley scoffed from her seat.  “Open the last damn bag and get over it.”

His beautiful wife didn’t say anything with her mouth, but the look she shot her sister carried a non-verbal version of War and Peace.

“Riley, you’re such a bitch,” Cole laughed at his middle sister, while the younger one hefted the heavy pink bag into her lap. 

In typical Riley fashion, she wasted no time in retorting, “You’re just jealous of my special brand of bitchery, big brother.”

“Not damn likely!  I’m just afraid you’re going to try and lure Melissa into your coven, little witch.”

“Pfft!”  Riley threw up an unconcerned hand.  “Why do you think she’s still married to you?  I showed her how to make the voodoo doll.”

The friendly sibling squabble was interrupted by Sheridan’s gasp of delight.  Turning his attention from the other Norris children, Jon caught sight of the gasp-inducing gift and grinned. 

Sheridan had her fingers wrapped around the necks of two bottles.  There was a bottle of high end tequila clutched in one hand and margarita mix was dangling lovingly from the other.  A check-sized slip of paper was tied to the tequila with a cheery red ribbon and Jon saw that it was a gift certificate for Mezzaluna.

“Tiramisu and margaritas?!” his wife sighed in wonder.  “Oh my God... I love you Riley!  This gives me hope that there really WILL be life after childbirth...”